giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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