Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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