i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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