it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
