3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
