I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
