so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
