i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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