I think I died a long time ago.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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