I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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