come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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