just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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