I'm laying in your front yard are you home
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
