If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
