i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
