i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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