Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Michael Bay diarrhea
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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