When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
