He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
