Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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