remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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