Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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