I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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