My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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