I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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