Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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