you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i out mim tonsoeep
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