Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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