you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
