1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
someone get that fucking seahorse.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
