I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Randomize
