someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
