So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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