So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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