I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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