I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
