Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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