I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
