i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
