It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
