I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
