The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
