Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
