I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
