1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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