Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
