I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
