I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
