The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
