I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
