just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
