Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Someone signed my nipple.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
